The End of Heartache.

well...

2008-11-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

it's releaving, but embarrasing; i've been rejected from the millitary. not forever, in fact, i can still go if i want... but right now, i'm too fat. i was over by 4% body fat. i'm glad i'm not at bootcamp... i was really scared about going, but i'm ashamed. i know i dissapointed alot of people. i'm sorry to all who feel that way. anyway... i just figured i'd post it so people know what's going on. while i'm here, at least i've managed to get a few good things going. and i'm praying i get a job at cryo-vac. if i do, then i won't have to go into the millitary (i found out i can still say i don't want to go). anyway, i ask for prayers from whoever will, and i thank you in advance. thank you for your love... it's appreciated so much.

My last blog for a good while...

2008-11-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

i'm shipping out soon. on the 18th in fact. people keep asking, " are you excited?" um... well... i'm going to bootcamp, not six flags. why would i be excited? i'm not scared, though. i know its gonna be rough, and i'm gonna hate it, but i gotta do it. so, to me, its just another thing i have to do. i'll get through it, (without dying, hopefully lol) and i'll be where ever i decide to be from there. lucky me, i get to choose. anyways... i get to come home for two weeks during christmas. the army calls it Exodus. so, i'll be home around then, and i plan on visiting all of my friends. i'll see you all in 6 months, or christmas... or just whenever i see ya!

I can ride my bike with no handlebars....

2008-11-08T05:52:00.000-08:00

the name has nothing to do with this... this is a poem a wrote, cuz heather asked me to write her one.

for the end of the beginning is still the end,
even though more will yet come.
and though the surprise is that there's more to come,
its rarely seen before time.
time is a thing un-comprehendable,
a thing no human could dare,
but as we walk
we have to remember that a new beginning could be near.
so never forget the lost,
whether alive or dead.
never forget the lovers,
who spent so much time in your head.
and never forget your dearest,
the friends who were always there,
the ones who've always loved you,
the ones who always cared.

hope ya like it

newsz

2008-10-30T21:11:00.001-07:00

i wanna tell you just how i really feel,
how much i love you, how my heart is steeled,
i'd love to let you feel my confusion,
my anguish,
the loss inside the indecision,
the pain that
constantly naws,
even when i feel fine.
i want to show you
just
how
i've
become
undead.

sorry don't read this..

2008-09-30T20:18:00.001-07:00

the lies are broken, the chains are gone,
i've finally revealed all the hidden wrongs,
i'm not quite sure just how i feel,
but i think for, once, i'm feeling real,
not lost in a world that doesn't exist,
not meandering through a life full of synthetic bliss,
not drowning in bitterness, or sorrow, or pain,
not numb and cold, a zombeh again.

finally...
i think i can move on. i feel the same about you as you do about me. but the differance is...

...you deserve it.

or do read it... whatever ya want. i wrote it to celebrate my own freedom today. it's a long difficult story that i don't care to tell, seeing as i'm trying to forget this, one of the worst times in my life. i figure i'll have other bad times, so why hold on to them? they'll just all drag me down. so i'm trying to forge happy memories, and you know what? it seems to be working. my emotions may change a little often, but it's in reaction to what i percieve to be happening. and i'm learning the most amazing new talent... to be happy, no matter what. before you ask... not what it sounds like. i still get mad. in fact i had a large argument with one of my bossess today because he tried to blame his mistake on me. but the special thing is... im learning to drop it much quicker and move on to being happy again. ya know???? i think i'm gonna try to post an excerpt from my book on here soon. maybe in a few days.

just a simple one

2008-09-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

everything you love leaves or dies,
its the truth, and i'm tired of all the lies.
no longer, ignored,
i realize the score
was never so easily judged.

for a friend

2008-09-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

brightly, colors blazing,
burning like the midnight sun,
the vivid hues amazing,
the darkness starts to run.

the wings are slowly moving,
gently rising and falling,
the gentle fluttering so soothing,
and the winds current's calling.

i can see you in the colours of the butterfly,
as it lazily flaps it wings,
in my thoughts you often walk by,
and though your not here, you cause me to sing!

i love you my friend for the joy that you bring,
the colour you add to my life!
and without you, something,
would be missing, and i'd be quickly overrun with strife.

what we call art...

2008-09-20T01:24:00.001-07:00

artistic. so many things are considered art now.... sigh... poetry falls into disrepair, and writing in general has become either too stuffy, or to oriented toward people who don't read. it just doesn't work. so people go for visual, or audial (is that a word?) art. i think that people are pretty useless in general. we /i/ kinda mess things up way too much. and this is one of the examples that is actually kinda useless, but it makes me sad. poetry and prose used to incite people's emotions.... to bring out feelings of love, anger, joy, dread. people are too connected with everything else to feel these emotions much it seems... maybe i'm wrong, but thats what it seems like to me.

truth pt 1.

2008-09-17T19:58:00.001-07:00

so i was thinking today, not missing...
when i realized something quite int'resting.
i found, it so seems,
that in love, things,
are illogical, and often dilluded.
some say that others create fault,
and that rarely is such fault merited.
well it seems to me, at least my belief,
is that love likes to overlook the truthes, hated.
the sad thing, my friends, is the outcome, the end...
the truth when it finally is revealed...
the poor lovers eyes,
his sobs, and his cries,
as he leaves the world he's created.
when you remove the lies,
the twisted surprise
is that no human is a good one.

One thing that drives me insane...

2008-08-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

have you ever noticed that theres always a few people around that have to hear everyone's problems... from the insignificant to the most back breaking dilemma's? i seem to be one of those people. i don't mind. it kinda makes me feel good that i can try to be uplifting to someone else. but you know what really kills me? the one thing that drives me nuts? no one cares to listen to whats on my mind. my friends try, but then after a while they decide that all they can do is tell me to get over it, or quit thinking about it. my brain's being consumed by acid over here, and i'm supposed to forget it??? umm... ok, let me try that, and tell you how it works out. argh....! it just makes me mad that im nice enough to be there for people who won't do the same for me. through all the crying, and moping, and pouting, and even talk of suicide that i've had to listen to, you'd think someone, somewhere would be grateful to return the favor. well, thanks guys... sharing emotions is really the one thing i'm halfway maybe okay at... and know thats blocked of because i have no outlet. sigh....

the scarecrow version 1.1

2008-08-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

he stands in the midst of dusk, his frame a darkened husk,
alone, surrounded by dust, across empty fields he glares,
his form twisted, quite grotesque, vigilantly watches,
always ready to defend, all that which his vision crosses,
the scarecrow grins a sadistic grin, his teeth like shining daggers,
his hollow laugh echoes upon the barren field he watches,
ready at once to rend, to tear, destroy, and maim,
willing, hoping for another one, a victim for to claim,

Starting a new path today...

2008-07-31T17:20:00.001-07:00

k first off, lets get this out of the way, cuz i'm tired of people being ignorant. i'm going to the iowa park church for a myriad of reasons... mostly cuz its not even a mile from where i live, and gas is really expensive. so here we go.... to the main reason i started typing today....

the darkness spreads from person to person,
an evil wicked smell,
the sickness makes us all death-ridden,
and caused graves to swell,
only by a sacrifice could mankind be made clean,
a holy lamb, a pure white dove,
saved our souls from hell.
to this day we all struggle,
and i know i am the king,
of liars, thieves, of wickedry,
and of all of the obscene,
so know that i'm not perfect,
and only that i try,
and if you see me hit the ground,
or forget just how to fly,
i'm a being of two natures,
one holy and pure,
the other, a thing darkness
for which there is but one cure.
i'm struggling inside,
and i get weak,
but remember that i'm trying,
do me a favor and utter a prayer,
to help me keep from dying.

Down and Out. Tantric.

2008-06-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

i love this song...
its actually hopeful.... so in honor of the amazing song...
here we go.

for all the times you thought you could count me out,
i stand, smiling to tell you what i'm all about,
i laugh as you, bowed head, begin to pout,
it only grows as you begin to doubt,

for all the times i've felt you here,
knowing no one else would care,
you surround me,
warm me and astound me,

knowing nothing else but fear,
they all run and dissapear,
but you found me,
only joy an hope surround me,

kk, i'm done for now... need to work on my fans stuffs... lol, not much so it makes it more important!

stuf 2.3456

2008-06-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

find me....

lost among the dessert sea loathing,
lost among the dark, bloating,
mass of all the graveyards going
slowly, slowly
...insane.

new path...

following yesterdays flotsam,
a path i'd rejected,
not realizing my love i'd neglected,
recovering, slowly
... again.

mmmkay

2008-06-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

so here's the deal. i ended up having to come home, so while i'm having to stay here... i'm gonna right something.

a poem, one with meaning...

there once was a pretty stone... it did nothing, it's surface stayed cold...
and a young man existed who found it, he protected, watched out for and bound it.
not realizing just what he'd done, the man, so foolish, so young...
showcased his beauty to all, his stone, his gem, his fall.
he held it so tight, its dazzling light entranced the darkness of the night...
a man wicked and cold, with a tendency for evil so bold,
struck the young man, and limply his hand let go of oh its vigorous hold.
as the young man died, his eyes opened wide to a truth no one can be shown...

... the tighter you hold something, the less chance you'll keep it.
the more you love, the more you should release.

a sad after thought, that counted for not...
for the man, he still died alone.

Something i thought of, and thought was pretty

2008-04-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

smile for me, darling
smile, sweet love,
fading, life dances away
on the backs of run-away doves
dance with me, beauty
be mine, sweet pet,
and through this odd dervish
of living never me forget
run, oh beloved
flee from the sound
a negative perspective
is the destruction of the sound

oops, i forgot...

2007-12-27T22:36:00.000-08:00

i've been really sick lately so i haven't got to ask anyone at church, but...
i keep forgetting the names of the christian songs and artists that i really enjoy, so i was gonna name of a few and see if anyone would tell me any artists that are similar.

third day
michael w. smith
casting crowns
audio adrenaline
mathew west

... and theres a few more i want on my ipod, but i can't remember!!!! God gave me a weird memory... i remember everything thats either useless or bad, but i can't remember anything good!!!! (besided john eleven thirty-five. Jesus wept.) help plz!!!

'member my book???

2007-12-27T22:30:00.000-08:00

well, it's kinda crazy.... i've never had trouble writing, but when i think about how much i'm gonna have to write.............
..........

...
the task seems daunting.
i'm only on the first chapter , at least as far as the actual writing goes. i've gotten the first quarter of the book planned... i think i might be too descriptive... time will tell
... maybe.

the hook for my book...

2007-09-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

"In the midst of the pitch that was half of all that was, a lone, glowing figure stood, suspended in the darkness, as if standing on an obsidian platform. Opposite of her, in the midst of the brightness that was the rest of all that was, a blackened figured loomed, statuesque, his shoulders back, his chin forward, his jaw set. This would be the confrontation that would decide who's reality would govern all..."

yeah. this is owned by me. i plan on using it in my upcoming book, A Tale Apart...
so, if you wanna hear tidbits once in a while, keep reading, if not... don't read, lol! anyway, see you guys & gals later!!!

last night

2007-09-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

what did i tell you? i told you the night that i run, or skip, as i predicted last time, that we wouldn't have service... the important stuff first, then we'll move on to how i knew i would skip instead of running like a normal person.

kk, well, i was in my little booth and several times i was thinking, "man, i don't like it back here, i can't stand up, i can't close my eyes, i can't run..." then i kinda mocked myself and was like, "you wouldn't do it anyway..." well... i guess i showed me!!! lol, i was back there and i was like, " you know what?!??!?! i'm doing it!!!" and i stepped out, looked back at the door, and i almost walked right back in, but i decided that if i wasn't gonna run, i was gonna jump, and honestly, i think it's more respectable looking to do 25 backwards cartwheels with your nose running and in the middle of a snow storm than to jump... i hate jumping straight up with a passion born not of words... but of deeds... lol, anyway, my reasoning was that if i did something i didn't like back where no one could see me, then God would see it, and realize that " Hey, he's really trying. i guess i can help him out, since he's proving he wants me too." i jumped a few times, and then before i knew it, i took of skipping!!! as soon as i took off, then i immediately had control and could have stopped if i wanted to... but i didn't. i got all the way around, and then i stopped up in the front right corner and i danced a little, then after i felt that God was happy with the praise i'd given, i turned and walked, limped, back to my little square booth. lol, i think i was kinda bothering bro. tod because i kept getting up, and leaving the booth. but he understood, i think. i prayed for some people, too. i learned something not too long ago. i've been claiming my mountains... and other peoples too, i guess... i've been telling God, " you know what God? this is mine, and i'm not quitting till i get it!" thankfully God's been acting like a dad and wrestling just a little bit, and then letting me feel like i won, though he just gave it to me. i beleive bro. Greg Hardin is healed... i don't care what anyone says, even though i have no more news as of yet. that man i like a father to me. he was only a small part of my life, but he loved me, and still loves me, and i'm more comfortable around that man than anyone else in the world, but you'll never notice it. i stand up straight around him, accept for my head, which i bow out of respect. that's just my natural way of showing respect. bro. Hardin knows things about me i've told only a small amount, even though it's not bad, it's just personal. i trust him with my life, and i refuse to let one of the people who supported me, and loved me when no one else did, to suffer and die. that's my miracle, and it'll happen and you'll all see God's healing power! i've prayed for others, and God gave 'em what they needed. i just prayed for what i felt i should, and they came to me crying after service, thanking me, not that i'll ever deserve it. it's God, folks... not me. i'm just a sinner who has to wake up every morning, wash the dust off, and pray for God to wash me throughout the day, so i can stay clean and acceptable. everybody fails, i'm an everbody, so don't try to say i think i'm something, cuz i know i'm no better than the people shooting up, and stealing things to sell and get their next high... so don't ever think you're something. remember where you came from, and know that "there, for the grace of God, go I." God's the something... we're just what he's decided to use to reach through the darkness and find more to show his love.

anyway, i didn't mean to preach on anyone, but it started going so i wrote it...
on to my second thing i wanted to say!!!!!! how i knew i would skip instead of running. well, ever since i was little kid, i've hated running... more than giving blood, and everyone knows thats one of my greatest fears... running is just uncomfortable and i don't like it. so i skipped as a little kid. it's easier on your legs and more comfortable, plus you can be fast no matter what!!! anyway, it got to the point where if something scared me, i skipped away in one mega long stride, turned and checked it out, and then took off, skippin' some more! well, skipping is the instinctive thing for me. so yeah, that's how i knew...

Sad poems are my favorite to read later.

2007-08-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

"lost is found,
and all around
old becomes new.

things dissapear
for only a year,
before seeing, agian, day's light.

nothing to do,
and nothing made new
under the sun, so bright."

...and?

"sing to me, my friend,
sing your little tale!
about the emerald forests,
or the azure whale!

sing a song so joyful
that never was allowed
a tear upon my face,
or this greif, like a shroud,

hanging over me,
thickly running,
sadness threatens,
my mind is numbing.

so only, my friend,
i ask of you
to sing songs of joy!!!
and my mind renew..."

sorry for being dark tonight... it's been one of those weeks... yeah. anyway, i've been told my sad poetry is the best, and if that's true, you have something to enjoy here! anyways... i love you guys, and i thank you so much for all the prayers you pray for me!!!! thank you !!!!!!!!!

For all who don't know...

2007-08-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

i find it ironic that last time i posted something about my iq, and then i did what i did.... for those of you who are wondering about my decision to revert back to my former favored hairstyle...

It.... was an accident.
i feel sooooo stupid! i was going to sis. Janet's house while daniel was at nayc, in order to see jaimie, and logan!!! well, when i got there, i found out that they decided to go to bellvue, and they forgot i was coming over!!! so... i decided to make sure my trip wasn't wasted by cutting my hair... yeah... never cut your own hair...

i started out doing well, i think, with a #4 guard on the clippers. my whole haid was cut to the size i wanted except for these really creepy parts in the back that looked like horns... so, i got a comb and ran it through and trimmed the hair with the clippers(with the guard on) next thing i know, there's a bald spot along the side of my haid!!!! i was more than a little obvious so i figured the next logical choice was to shave the rest of my head to match... thus, the bald head...

laugh while you can!!! when i shave it on purpose, it'll be my turn to laugh!!!!

i'm a genius... ya, right...

2007-08-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

You're a Visionary Philosopher!

The Classic IQ Test
Brought to you by Tickle

I wrote this for someone special concerning how we both felt about something

2007-07-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Sweet joy, solid black,
Twisted, turning,
Slowly yearning.
Cunning, welcomed attack!

Bitter grief, crushed , but white,
Painfully growing,
Never knowing,
It is strengthened through it’s plight…

On Heaven, Grace, and a Loved Sinner...

2007-07-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

with all of my passion, with all of my heart,
though this world tears apart,
through the darkness, through it all,
Lord, i hear your loving call,
paintings empty, hollowed shells,
twice lived tormented Hell,
my wretched heart filled with praise,
for your deliverance from that daze,
confusion lost, a new hope found,
a joy of leaving this cursed ground,
a life left, new life to gain,
in heaven, saved, praising your name.

I'm thankfull...

2007-07-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

for the fact that Sis. Elms reads my blog. i know its often useless, but i want you to know that i appreciate your time. that being said, i don't mean to not include my long list of readers! but tonight, i was listening to my tapes from men's conference and i realized something...
i've never actually danced for the lord. i've never run the isles, and i've never opened my eyes to see the ceiling and realized i was on the floor. i've been wondering lately about the good ol' apostolic worship from back in the day. i want to be like that. i wanna take off skipping <> when i feel God's spirit flowing in that direction, and i wanna open my eyes and see everyone worshiping so hard that the visitors are confounded. i wanna know that the old worships not dead. well, i keep hearing, "start it and it'll happen." thanks, but, i know that. the problem is i get so much in my own way that it honestly and truly feels like my feet are cemented, up to my knees, to the ground. i keep meaning to ask bro. Andrew about it. i know he'll have some words to say that'll help me. lol, he can say something everyone else has said, in exactly the same words, but it's like something hits me, and i understand. well........... this will be updated the day you see me run in church. and you'd better beleive it, that day will be one of the longest services we've ever had at life tab, but there won't be preaching. i can see it and feel it in my head right now, and already my legs feel like lead. i don't know whether it's my flesh or what, but i need to overcome this... pray for me if you will!!! i love you guys and i thank you for your support!!!

2007-06-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

"Minds, minds everywhere...
but not a thought to think."

I've always wondered why people don't dive into the greater truths in life, but i think i've solved my own question. People don't like working on finding an answer that will be painfull. i'm the kind of person who sees something and asks why. i've noticed that more and more of my answers are becoming the same... " because we're human, and we are naturally evil." i wonder, what does God think? does he cry because no one cares to question whether something is right or wrong anymore? or do you think he just gets excited when someone realizes that they're wrong and gives it all to him. i really hope that God will bless me with courage. i have all the strength i need, i believe, but i'm often too scared to face whatever fear i'm feeling. last night i dreamed that i faced a monster in order to rescue someone, but i didn't want to. i was so scared that i was willing to face the shame of walking away on someone i loved ( don't ask who, i couldn't tell you... i just remember that it was someone very important to me ), but bro. Andrew, and someone else i don't remember encouraged me. they said that i was the only one who could face and defeat this monster. i remember crying quietly and shaking as i pushed open the door to the biulding that the monster lived in, but when i went in, things were not as scary. i'd been so intimidated by the monster, i didn't even realize that there were tons and tons of people enslaved, body and mind by it. and when i saw that, i felt pity, and then anger. i don't know if i defeated the monster. the dream ended but my memory faded. i just remember standing there knowing i had to save those people... dreams make you wonder sometimes, ya know? not sure why i wrote all this, i just kinda felt to as i was writing. hmmm.... well, i uhhh.... gotta go... uhh...

HEY, LOOK!!! IT'S THE LOCAL SPORTS TEAM?
How bout that local sports team?

abstract is my artform

2007-06-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

"corruptible, containable,
susceptible, sustainable,
erasable, maintainable,
and quickly, all is made new."

this is a simple poem that just kinda formed a little rhyme in my head and i thought of the meaning and changed the words to give it a better tone. well, whaddya think???

well, that just shows ya...

2007-06-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

my neighbor who hates me made me soooooooooooooooo incredibly made the other day! i've been meaning to put that on here, but i've been busy. anyway, he chewed me out hard for something stupid. i walked away, and later that night at church i prayed for him. the next day, he mowed my lawn for me, because he felt bad that since i've moved in, he's been nothing but mean! haha!

if night were day...

2007-05-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

if night were day
and day were night
what would happen to nightmares?
would they all run away
or would they stay in the day
or would they roam in between without cares?

sorry, i don't know what this is about it just kinda sounded interesting to me. speaking of interesting, i found out that i have a flesh eating virus inhabiting my arms and hands... not really but thats what it looks like :( anyway, i guess i'll try to find something better to right for you later!