well...

it's releaving, but embarrasing; i've been rejected from the millitary. not forever, in fact, i can still go if i want... but right now, i'm too fat. i was over by 4% body fat. i'm glad i'm not at bootcamp... i was really scared about going, but i'm ashamed. i know i dissapointed alot of people. i'm sorry to all who feel that way. anyway... i just figured i'd post it so people know what's going on. while i'm here, at least i've managed to get a few good things going. and i'm praying i get a job at cryo-vac. if i do, then i won't have to go into the millitary (i found out i can still say i don't want to go). anyway, i ask for prayers from whoever will, and i thank you in advance. thank you for your love... it's appreciated so much.

My last blog for a good while...

i'm shipping out soon. on the 18th in fact. people keep asking, " are you excited?" um... well... i'm going to bootcamp, not six flags. why would i be excited? i'm not scared, though. i know its gonna be rough, and i'm gonna hate it, but i gotta do it. so, to me, its just another thing i have to do. i'll get through it, (without dying, hopefully lol) and i'll be where ever i decide to be from there. lucky me, i get to choose. anyways... i get to come home for two weeks during christmas. the army calls it Exodus. so, i'll be home around then, and i plan on visiting all of my friends. i'll see you all in 6 months, or christmas... or just whenever i see ya!

I can ride my bike with no handlebars....

the name has nothing to do with this... this is a poem a wrote, cuz heather asked me to write her one.



for the end of the beginning is still the end,
even though more will yet come.
and though the surprise is that there's more to come,
its rarely seen before time.
time is a thing un-comprehendable,
a thing no human could dare,
but as we walk
we have to remember that a new beginning could be near.
so never forget the lost,
whether alive or dead.
never forget the lovers,
who spent so much time in your head.
and never forget your dearest,
the friends who were always there,
the ones who've always loved you,
the ones who always cared.



hope ya like it

newsz

i wanna tell you just how i really feel,
how much i love you, how my heart is steeled,
i'd love to let you feel my confusion,
my anguish,
the loss inside the indecision,
the pain that
constantly naws,
even when i feel fine.
i want to show you
just
how
i've
become
undead.

sorry don't read this..

the lies are broken, the chains are gone,
i've finally revealed all the hidden wrongs,
i'm not quite sure just how i feel,
but i think for, once, i'm feeling real,
not lost in a world that doesn't exist,
not meandering through a life full of synthetic bliss,
not drowning in bitterness, or sorrow, or pain,
not numb and cold, a zombeh again.

finally...
i think i can move on. i feel the same about you as you do about me. but the differance is...

...you deserve it.


or do read it... whatever ya want. i wrote it to celebrate my own freedom today. it's a long difficult story that i don't care to tell, seeing as i'm trying to forget this, one of the worst times in my life. i figure i'll have other bad times, so why hold on to them? they'll just all drag me down. so i'm trying to forge happy memories, and you know what? it seems to be working. my emotions may change a little often, but it's in reaction to what i percieve to be happening. and i'm learning the most amazing new talent... to be happy, no matter what. before you ask... not what it sounds like. i still get mad. in fact i had a large argument with one of my bossess today because he tried to blame his mistake on me. but the special thing is... im learning to drop it much quicker and move on to being happy again. ya know???? i think i'm gonna try to post an excerpt from my book on here soon. maybe in a few days.

just a simple one

everything you love leaves or dies,
its the truth, and i'm tired of all the lies.
no longer, ignored,
i realize the score
was never so easily judged.

for a friend

brightly, colors blazing,
burning like the midnight sun,
the vivid hues amazing,
the darkness starts to run.

the wings are slowly moving,
gently rising and falling,
the gentle fluttering so soothing,
and the winds current's calling.

i can see you in the colours of the butterfly,
as it lazily flaps it wings,
in my thoughts you often walk by,
and though your not here, you cause me to sing!

i love you my friend for the joy that you bring,
the colour you add to my life!
and without you, something,
would be missing, and i'd be quickly overrun with strife.

what we call art...

artistic. so many things are considered art now.... sigh... poetry falls into disrepair, and writing in general has become either too stuffy, or to oriented toward people who don't read. it just doesn't work. so people go for visual, or audial (is that a word?) art. i think that people are pretty useless in general. we /i/ kinda mess things up way too much. and this is one of the examples that is actually kinda useless, but it makes me sad. poetry and prose used to incite people's emotions.... to bring out feelings of love, anger, joy, dread. people are too connected with everything else to feel these emotions much it seems... maybe i'm wrong, but thats what it seems like to me.

truth pt 1.

so i was thinking today, not missing...
when i realized something quite int'resting.
i found, it so seems,
that in love, things,
are illogical, and often dilluded.
some say that others create fault,
and that rarely is such fault merited.
well it seems to me, at least my belief,
is that love likes to overlook the truthes, hated.
the sad thing, my friends, is the outcome, the end...
the truth when it finally is revealed...
the poor lovers eyes,
his sobs, and his cries,
as he leaves the world he's created.
when you remove the lies,
the twisted surprise
is that no human is a good one.

One thing that drives me insane...

have you ever noticed that theres always a few people around that have to hear everyone's problems... from the insignificant to the most back breaking dilemma's? i seem to be one of those people. i don't mind. it kinda makes me feel good that i can try to be uplifting to someone else. but you know what really kills me? the one thing that drives me nuts? no one cares to listen to whats on my mind. my friends try, but then after a while they decide that all they can do is tell me to get over it, or quit thinking about it. my brain's being consumed by acid over here, and i'm supposed to forget it??? umm... ok, let me try that, and tell you how it works out. argh....! it just makes me mad that im nice enough to be there for people who won't do the same for me. through all the crying, and moping, and pouting, and even talk of suicide that i've had to listen to, you'd think someone, somewhere would be grateful to return the favor. well, thanks guys... sharing emotions is really the one thing i'm halfway maybe okay at... and know thats blocked of because i have no outlet. sigh....

the scarecrow version 1.1

he stands in the midst of dusk, his frame a darkened husk,
alone, surrounded by dust, across empty fields he glares,
his form twisted, quite grotesque, vigilantly watches,
always ready to defend, all that which his vision crosses,
the scarecrow grins a sadistic grin, his teeth like shining daggers,
his hollow laugh echoes upon the barren field he watches,
ready at once to rend, to tear, destroy, and maim,
willing, hoping for another one, a victim for to claim,

Starting a new path today...

k first off, lets get this out of the way, cuz i'm tired of people being ignorant. i'm going to the iowa park church for a myriad of reasons... mostly cuz its not even a mile from where i live, and gas is really expensive. so here we go.... to the main reason i started typing today....


the darkness spreads from person to person,
an evil wicked smell,
the sickness makes us all death-ridden,
and caused graves to swell,
only by a sacrifice could mankind be made clean,
a holy lamb, a pure white dove,
saved our souls from hell.
to this day we all struggle,
and i know i am the king,
of liars, thieves, of wickedry,
and of all of the obscene,
so know that i'm not perfect,
and only that i try,
and if you see me hit the ground,
or forget just how to fly,
i'm a being of two natures,
one holy and pure,
the other, a thing darkness
for which there is but one cure.
i'm struggling inside,
and i get weak,
but remember that i'm trying,
do me a favor and utter a prayer,
to help me keep from dying.

Down and Out. Tantric.

i love this song...
its actually hopeful.... so in honor of the amazing song...
here we go.


for all the times you thought you could count me out,
i stand, smiling to tell you what i'm all about,
i laugh as you, bowed head, begin to pout,
it only grows as you begin to doubt,

for all the times i've felt you here,
knowing no one else would care,
you surround me,
warm me and astound me,

knowing nothing else but fear,
they all run and dissapear,
but you found me,
only joy an hope surround me,

kk, i'm done for now... need to work on my fans stuffs... lol, not much so it makes it more important!

stuf 2.3456

find me....

lost among the dessert sea loathing,
lost among the dark, bloating,
mass of all the graveyards going
slowly, slowly
...insane.

new path...

following yesterdays flotsam,
a path i'd rejected,
not realizing my love i'd neglected,
recovering, slowly
... again.

mmmkay

so here's the deal. i ended up having to come home, so while i'm having to stay here... i'm gonna right something.

a poem, one with meaning...


there once was a pretty stone... it did nothing, it's surface stayed cold...
and a young man existed who found it, he protected, watched out for and bound it.
not realizing just what he'd done, the man, so foolish, so young...
showcased his beauty to all, his stone, his gem, his fall.
he held it so tight, its dazzling light entranced the darkness of the night...
a man wicked and cold, with a tendency for evil so bold,
struck the young man, and limply his hand let go of oh its vigorous hold.
as the young man died, his eyes opened wide to a truth no one can be shown...

... the tighter you hold something, the less chance you'll keep it.
the more you love, the more you should release.

a sad after thought, that counted for not...
for the man, he still died alone.

Something i thought of, and thought was pretty

smile for me, darling
smile, sweet love,
fading, life dances away
on the backs of run-away doves
dance with me, beauty
be mine, sweet pet,
and through this odd dervish
of living never me forget
run, oh beloved
flee from the sound
a negative perspective
is the destruction of the sound